Joyful obligation
I have a polarized relationship to obligation. This concept comes up a lot when I’m talking with friends about relationships (of all kinds) and what obligation is in the context of relationships.
I think the word “obligation” has come to mean more than its straight definition. I have long thought of obligation as something you’re required to do, irrespective of desire.
I feel like the word has started to take on, appropriately or not, tones of “against one’s will” such that obligation has become inherently negative.
Maybe it is and maybe it isn’t. But either way, I think the FEELINGS around obligation have become largely negative.
Perhaps we feel obligated to our family to show up for holidays, or to our coworkers to ask about their day, or to our friends to listen to their woes. And to some people, one or maybe all of those feel terrible.
But to me, it can feel like joyful obligation.
There is something comfortable about knowing people have expectations of me. That they feel like I will show up without necessarily having to ask or come to agreement.
I do think it gets tricky, though, when my expectations of how and when and where I show up for those people don’t match up with their expectations.
And that’s the rub of obligation. The triangulation of expectation and agreement and desire.
Like most other relationship-driven emotions, that triangulation is always shifting and reshaping - just when you have it nailed in one relationship, another one comes along and it falls short.
What I’m coming to with obligation in relationships is to first find and hold dear the ones that you WANT to have obligations to, and then second to figure out that beautiful sweet spot that allows those obligations to feel joyful.
Or at least not dreadful 😂
